Two months ago on Monday I woke up empty. There was a shell of flesh walking (or mostly lying) and breathing but the insides of who I believed I was were shattered.
For years, if not decades, I carried around this notion of who I was supposed to be. Notion imprinted on my brain by well intended people who wanted me to fit the world. Their world.
As I lied down unable to move, paralyzed by the challenge of facing another day I wondered: How did I end up in this place?
When this state of stupor ended a month later, illness came. It left me empty like a used-up battery. When shaken I would go on for a bit but then I was empty again. Fortunately this feeling applied to my body only, giving my mind the time to rest. To look around. To reconsider.
Finally, it dawned on me: I did not have to fit in. I did not want to fit in. Fit into the world of other people. I wanted to fit into mine. I just needed to figure out what my world was. And let go of all the other worlds. It meant disappointing people. Offending quite a few of them too.
It required courage of ending some relationships. Refusing deals.
I felt so scared. The first time, I was about to say: No, I was shaking. Sometimes, I lied widely awake in the middle of the night thinking whether I was doing the right thing. But each morning I would get up with such a serenity of mind that I knew the choice was right.
If you are in doubt, look for that peace. Your soul will tell you if you are scared or lazy. If you are fitting into your world or the world of others. If you are living your life or the life of someone else. And then let go. It is the best thing that can happen. It leaves the space for you.